The Week That Changed My Life!

It was September 5, 1992. I was a 23 year old wife and mother of two. We had been married for 3 years and our daughters were 2 1/2 and 13 months. We were all winding down from a great Labor Party. We had a huge party, everyone came, and it was lots of fun. We have video of this day that I just remembered, I will have to dig it out. It was toward the end of the night. The kids were in bed. A group of us were sitting under the carport talking. I am not sure who all was there but I know the group included myself, my mother, and my sister. The conversation had turned to discussing an Oprah Winfrey special that had recently aired. She interviewed men that had sexually abused young girls. I had watched the show, I don't really remember all the details of the program but I do know several different stories of several different situation were told. I remember that evening hearing my mother and my sister say things like "How could that be going on and no one else in the house know!" "There is no way someone that lived there didn't notice!". Then something snapped. I thought and wanted to scream, "What do you mean?", "You both lived in a house where I was being sexually abused!", "Did you know?". I was freaking out inside. I was remembering things. Thinking, "This can't be true", "You know it's true". All I wanted to do was find my husband.

In an unfortunate plot twist, my then 25 year old husband, had decided now was a good time to try acid for the first time, and when I found him he was tripping. I tried to talk to him but it was obvious very quickly that now was not a good time. We later joked that he tripped acid and I had the revelation. I don't remember all the details but after not being able to talk to him right then, I kept it to myself. My abuser was my step father, and the day after the party was his birthday. My husband told me in retrospect that I was adamant that we had to go see him on his birthday. I know now that my brain was trying to protect me. I had to keep up the appearance. The whole week is truly a blur and I know my thoughts must have been all over the place. My mind was trying to ignore it but my body would not. My menstrual cycles have always been very regular, before this week and all the way up until menopause. However, this week, I started having irregular bleeding. I went to the doctor toward the end of the week. The only thing I can remember about the appointment is her saying, "Everything seems normal, stress can cause irregular bleeding, have you been under any additional stress lately?". I told her, not that I could think of, but once I got in my car I knew. I knew I needed to tell my husband what had happened to me. We worked opposite shifts so our daughters did not have to go to daycare, so I had to wait until the weekend to talk to him.

Then I told him.

I had never said the words out loud. I always felt different. On the inside I always knew something was happening to me that didn't happen to everyone but on the outside I always wanted everything to look normal. At first he didn't understand. How could I act the way I had if he had done this to me? I didn't really understand either. In talking to my adult daughter the other day, I said the universe dropped a bomb on your dad that day. But then I realized, the bomb was dropped on both of us. There is before I remembered and after I remembered. Together we learned about repressed memories. I went to counseling and really threw myself into being the best wife and mother I could be.

Today it has been 33 years since the day I told him. Releasing the secret and being able to talk about everything, changed my life. Healing trauma is a life long journey and I am a life long learner. As I reflect on the girl I was at 23 and the woman I am now at 56, I am amazed.! The Lord has been so good to me! Even with all of life's ups and downs, I am blessed beyond measure and try to continue healing every day. The one thing that sticks out to me today is, I CAN DO HARD THINGS!